The truth about Antidepressants

Hello cyberworld,

I got a comment on my last post asking about Lexapro, and it's inspired me to add a new post. Every once in a while, I get a comment or an email that makes me realize that people actually read what I write here. So those little things inspire me to keep it going. I think maybe this year, I'll start taking the blog more seriously and put more love into it...build it out a little more. Make it look like something other than this ugly default design. I really am a sorry excuse for a designer with a blog that looks like this (I probably shouldn't admit that I make my living as a graphic designer having a blog that looks like this).

Anyway, about Lexapro. I actually stopped taking Lexapro shortly after I started. Mainly due to side effects, and I started taking something else (which I'll get to in a minute). When I first got on the Lexapro I had this experience of holy crap, this is how normal people feel! I felt completely normal, for lack of a better word. I felt fully at ease around the woman I was seeing at the time. I also felt the ability to be completely present with her, and not stuck in my head as I often am. I felt like I was on the brink of an entirely new life experience....something I've been striving towards for a long time through a lot of the self-development work I've been doing the past year or so. I was a whole new Elliott. I felt it, and she felt it. Unfortunately, I started experiencing side effects from the Lexapro. The doctor called it motorrestlessness. I felt this constant uneasiness. Also, the sexual side effects were a bit of a problem (more for my girlfriend than me). Lexapro is know to create delayed ejaculation, but for me, I just couldn't ejaculate. I could have sex for over an hour without getting tired....it was pretty awesome actually, but I started wearing my poor girlfriend out :-)

So I went off the Lexapro.

But despite the side-effects, it opened my eyes to a whole new possibility for how I could be living and experiencing my life. Since I was a kid, I had been advised to take anti-depressants, but I always refused (yes, I have a bit of a stubborn side). I think that many of us have a bit of a stubborn side when it comes to anti-depressants. It takes a really big swallowing of ones pride to take them. But, before I go much further, I will say that I am SOOOOO glad I let go of any judgement I had about anti-depressants, and decided to give them a try. Because I really do feel I am on the brink of an entirely new life experience. I go in and out of it, and up and down a bit, and I believe this is just part of the process of getting the meds right. But when I feel good, I feel more connected, more spiritually aware, more conscious, happier, and more together and adjusted than I have ever felt in my life.

The truth is, I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, and no number of workshops, no amount of therapy, no number of self-help books was ever going to fix that. Trust me, I know...I did it all! So the idea of medication is to start correcting the imbalance. And while for some people, they get on a med and feel adjusted right away, for others (like me), it takes a bit of trial and error and some guess work to get the meds right. So naturally, I've been feeling a lot of up and down. But overall, I see a much more positive picture for what is possible in my life. One that I never saw before.

It's almost as if I've had bad eyesight my whole life, but I didn't know I had bad eyesight. I just thought the world was blurry. When I went on Lexapro, it was like I put on a pair of glasses for the first time and discovered that there was all this beauty and detail in the world and in my life that I didn't even know was there before....metaphorically speaking... Unfortunately due to the side effects, I had to go off of it. And now we're trying to get me balanced through other meds.

I went on Abilify for a little while, but the side effects were even worse than the Lexapro, so I discontinued that shortly.

Now I'm taking a new drug called Pristiq. I haven't had any side effects from this one, other than being able to last a little longer in the sack...which isn't such a bad deal. Overall, I feel a little more grounded, a little more relaxed. And I have these waves of feeling really connected, really one with everything. Like a couple weekends ago I was with this new woman that I've been seeing. We spent the night, and then the next day together. We were up all night talking, then the next day we were on the beach connecting so deeply and so intimately. I felt so completely connected to her, so one with everything. I was fully in her world, and she was fully in mine. There was no voice in my head, I was entirely with her.

Before going on meds, that type of experience with a woman wouldn't have been possible (or at least very unlikely). I almost always had some degree of anxiety, some degree of discomfort around women. Even women that I was in relationship with. I would never feel entirely with them when I was with them. On this day, I was COMPLETELY with this woman. And it felt amazing!

The other night I was meditating. I got into a space where I felt completely relaxed, completely in the present moment. I realized how much time we all spend running around rarely stopping to be completely in the present moment (especially here in LA). I had the experience through my meditation of being entirely present. And it wasn't even a big deal. It was just like, "Oh, this is what normal is like. This is what it is like the be realaxed and to feel at ease with myself."

Before the meds, that type of experience would be very elusive. Not impossible, but just very rare. Now it seems to be much more accessible.

I've also just gone on another med called Geodon. I've only been on it a week, which I think is too short to really tell its effect. I'm told it's really common to go on a combination of 2 different meds. While the Pristiq was opening stuff up for me, I still didn't feel entirely "there". I still found it hard to stop the thoughts spinning out of control through my head whenever I am with people. So the Geodon apparently is supposed to help with that. I'll keep you posted.

Overall, I think the objective of the meds is the same as the objective of all the self-development work I've been doing the past year or so. It's just another tool in the toolbox to living a happy, productive, and well-adjusted life. I let go of all the judgement I had about taking anti-depressants, and I'm so glad I did because of all the new things I'm starting to see open up in my life now. If nothing else, I'm glad that I went on meds because they're giving me more capacity to serve other people, and do good things for others. They say that the happiest people are also the most generous and kind people.

Sometimes it feels selfish to take time and find ones own happiness. But the truth is that the happier we are, the more we have to give to others. So, if nothing else, I'm glad I've gone on antipressants because they allow me to be an even kinder and more loving person to the other people around me in my world.

Much love!
Elliott

BTW, I'd love to start writing more posts like this. If anyone read this and finds it helpful, please let me know and I'll continue to update...heck maybe even make something out of this blog this year!

And, HAPPY 2009!!!!